I crouch in a bed of rocks at the curve of a river, filling up water bottles for the group. This morning we are embarking on a weeklong backpacking trip through the Trinity Alps in Northern California. My hands have lost feeling for a couple of minutes due to the inky summer frost of last night. I can feel my heart insistently thumping and the strain of my lungs expanding and processing the frigid mountain air.

The wet gravity of my thoughts– fears, rather—about the intensified challenges that lay ahead blocks every orifice of my face, trapping me within. Is my body really capable of hiking across 35 miles with a 50-pound backpack and climbing up and down between 2,700ft and 7,200ft of elevation? Is it too late to quit? Is the vulnerability I feel healthy, or am I entering a zone of panic?

The quietly surreal beauty of my surroundings softly beguiles me, coaxing me through the water and into the air. I follow the sightline drawn by the babbling, curving river, and my eyes settle on the enormous and somehow gentle mountains that rest on the horizon. I begin to process smells—pine trees, the saccharin in instant oatmeal, and the freshness of the unpolluted air around and inside of me. The stillness of the mountains, trees, and rocks is deepened through its amalgamation with the rapid movement of the river, my heartbeat, and breath.

I am struck by how deeply the coexistence of this contrast affects me. So often I am instructed by society to simplify, to stereotype, to minimize differences. However, it’s become increasingly clear to me that this uncomplicated picture is not reality.  My world is filled with dualities and complexities that make things challengingly rich and beautiful.

This landscape that I am simultaneously observing and participating in engraves this truth in my heart deeper than ever before. Both the still and moving aspects are equally alive and real, regardless of how difficult that may be for a human mind to process. I am flooded with other powerful, if unlikely, combinations that reside within myself: the control and accessibility of both my intellect and my emotions; my ability to connect with others while remaining independent; my use of both compassion and pragmatism to deal with conflicts; my courage to look at the world realistically and optimistically; my commitment to growing and expanding myself while recognizing where my boundaries are.

I am in love with nature and its capacity to place me face to face with myself. I can physically process my mental world, unlocking deep and exciting parts of myself and the large and small communities that I exist in. Backpacking is an almost uncomfortably obvious metaphor for life. I push myself forward while hauling everything that I need on my body; I climb mountains and cross rivers; I struggle deeply because it is so difficult sometimes; I employ the support and understanding of my comrades to help me through it; and most of all, I draw strength from the beauty around me to empower myself.

The duality of nature is a mirror for the frustrating and beautiful experience of being a human. These nuances that exist in nature humanize me by paralleling what I see in myself and the people around me. The built in complexity of the world on such a huge natural scale in this moment will evoke understanding within me when I return to the drudgery of everyday life. I can exist as a person and not a trope, because there is nothing more natural than complexity.

I take a deep breath of the cold mountain air.

The feeling in my fingers returns.

I am ready to begin.

About the Author : Tessa Westfall

I am in the midst of my senior year (and the college process!) at Wildwood School in Los Angeles, CA. I’ve been a camper at Bar 717 since I was five years old– that’s 13 years of camp! It’s safe to say that the ranch has become a second home and place of safety for me. I’ve experienced my most profound growth and befriended the most important people in my life all under the apple trees and on Gates Gables lawn. I love camp so dearly that I organized a backpacking trip for graduated campers this past summer, and it was hugely successful. Camp is the reason that I am the person I am, and I feel confident that it will always be a part of my life.

The Bar 717 Ranch will be leading another backpacking trip to the Trinity Alps for 17 year old campers this summer. To learn more about the backpacking trip for 17 year old campers, please contact Bar 717 Ranch at camptrinity@bar717.com or 530-628-5992